Looking out for the Nation

Written by Sara Jane Luley

Now I really don’t care one way or another if you decide to smoke. As long as you don’t do it around me and you’re ok with lung cancer looming in your future…be my guest.

But some people do take on the lofty goal of trying to prevent kids from taking up smoking. While this is laudable, they are going about the task in the completely wrong way. In fact, I’m pretty sure if I had been a more impressionable kid, these movies would have made me want to smoke even more.

Think back to these movies. Little Billy is a fresh-faced young sixth grader, who randomly happens on some shady-looking characters behind the gym. For unknown reasons, the ninth-grade thug tries to get Billy to start smoking. No one knows why, since it was probably pretty difficult for a high school freshman to get his hands on some cigarettes. But he decides to reach out to this little sixth grader and offer him a smoke and some social interaction—because all the “cool kids” are doing it.

The gawky little middle schoolers all identify with the innocent Billy.

WHY would he say no? He could be cool like the ninth grader! Hell, this kid’s probably getting some high-school ass. Why would Billy turn down free drugs and high-school ass? All these movies teach you are that if you want to thug it and be a “cool kid,” go behind the gym in the middle of science class with a pack of Marlboros. (And these days…who doesn’t want to be a thug in middle school?)

What they really need to do is show kids the truth about cigarettes. Not a picture of your lungs, either. I have no idea what my lungs look like.

For all know, my lungs look like that too, simply because I spent too many afternoons on the streets of downtown Pittsburgh.

They have to make videos of what kind of people smoke cigarettes. Because you know who’s really doing it? Not the “cool kids.” Show them a tape of NASCAR fans. Take them to a truck stop. Show them pedophile-looking men with porn ‘staches that hang out in bowling alleys. Hell, give me $200 and I’ll hit up a honky-tonk and make a video that will cut the youth cigarette consumption by half within three weeks.

This industry could even be expanding to other cheesy health class videos. Want to cut down marijuana usage? Two words—Phish concert. Do you really want to be like a Phish fan? Didn’t think so.

Another world problem solved.